Sunday Adventures

Posted on October 21, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

It’s been a few days hasn’t it?  Since that 30 day challenge ended, it seems as though I’ve been out of ideas on what to write about. My life is just not very exciting it seems. It’s just me day in and day out. Well, the dogs are here too, but they don’t talk. Yesterday I spent the entire day doing school work. I tried doing some work on Friday but the site was down so I was unable to get in and do any.  I fell a little behind as a result. I completed my final presentation and recorded it and got it uploaded to YouTube.  I’m going to log on and see what the professor had to say about it and a little while.  This is the final week of this class. I have two assignments left to do. I have to write a 5-6 page paper and I have to respond to a forum post. I have until tomorrow night at 11:59 p.m.  My next class is Introduction to Fine Arts. That should be an interesting class.  It starts on Tuesday.

Today, after church I decided to take another ride out to the lakeshore. I intended to go to a new park out there in Ferrysburg; however, when I got there it was packed. There were no parking spots available. So instead, I went down the road further to North Beach Park.  I hadn’t ever been to this park before and it was right on Lake Michigan.  Due to it being pretty cold outside, there weren’t many people there.  I got outside and walked along the beach a bit and took a couple pictures.  I also took some video and posted to my YouTube channel.  I was feeling really down and depressed and on the verge of tears.  That’s a big part of the reason why I took a trip out there.  The water is always soothing to my soul.  Being behind on all my bills and not having a job and having no luck getting one is really starting to take its toll on me.  I applied for assistance with my utilities (heat and electric), but was denied because I didn’t make enough payments within the last six months.  I’m here to tell you that the main reason for that is due to divorce and trying to adjust to a single income and then no income.  I couldn’t believe it! I was so disappointed. Some things just don’t make sense to me sometimes.  I don’t qualify for hardship assistance on my mortgage or credit cards because I have no form of income.  Seriously things just don’t make sense. I mean really! And I’m not disabled and I’m not a senior citizen and I don’t have small children.  So I’m just stuck here on my own little island to suffer.  I just went off on a tangent….my apologies. Let me get back to my adventure.

Here are some a few pictures I took at the lakeshore.  It was so breezy and cold. It was probably about 42 or 43 degrees, but felt a lot colder.  I probably should have had a winter jacket on.

Honestly, I love being by the water! It really does do well for my mood. I felt better when I left. The sun peaked out for a little while I was there. I was glad for that.

After I left there, I stopped at Nunica Cemetery. I don’t think I mentioned this before but I volunteer for findagrave.com. I take photos of graves. There was a request for a photo for that cemetery. That also happens to be where my grandparents and great-grandparents are buried so I figured I could visit them as well.  I walked all over looking for the grave of this John guy but I had no luck finding him.  I’m not sure if I’m going to go back another day when maybe it’s a little warmer or not.  They give you 14 days to do the assignment.  I also have the option of giving up the assignment to someone else.  I’m not sure what I want to do.  With the walking at the beach and the cemetery, I was able to make a whole $1.28 in sweatcoin (2,202 steps).  Better than nothing. I’m up to $44.96 which isn’t bad for someone who hasn’t been out walking much.  If you’re interested in checking this app out, here’s my link sweatcoin.  I’d much appreciate it.

That pretty much wraps up my adventures for the day.  I’m home now and having my first meal of the day.  Italian style wedding soup (from a can).

Okay so I’m going back to my depression just a bit.  Had I just come home right after church today, I’m almost certain I would’ve climbed into bed and laid there the rest of the day.  I would’ve isolated myself and that’s not something I want to do. I do not want to get any worse.  I certainly don’t want to end up hospitalized again. Been there…done that…more than once and I don’t want to do it again.  Especially since I don’t have a husband anymore to take care of me.  I hate the idea of asking for money, but I don’t know what to do at this point.  If there is anyone out there willing to donate to my cause, I would forever be grateful and I plan to keep track so that I can pay back once I have established employment.  I figure the best way is through my PayPal account this way there is no percentage taken away.  I absolutely hate asking for money.  Please try not to think any less of me.  Trust me, I feel awful as it is.  God bless you and if you’re not a believer, then may the sun shine upon you.

Donate

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

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A Windy Day at my Happy Place

Posted on October 17, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

This post is actually a day late.  I visited my happy place yesterday, but I didn’t get to updating my blog last night as I had intended. So here I am now a day late and a dollar short. haha.

Today, I did not leave the house at all. I’ve spent much of the day at my laptop. I applied for another job. I also got a call from one of the jobs I applied to the other day. They invited me to take an online assessment. They wanted it completed by tomorrow at 5 p.m. I took the assessment today. It wasn’t so bad. There were four sections to it. The first section was timed (12 minutes). I didn’t get through all the questions, unfortunately. However, at the beginning, it did say that many do not complete all questions so I didn’t feel too horrible for not getting through them all.  The remaining three sections were not timed.  I think there was a good 90 questions per section.  In those sections, there was no right or wrong answer.  I think it went pretty well. I guess we’ll find out if I end up getting called for an interview or not.  I keep praying for God to open a door for me.  I’m behind on all my bills and today again I got another shut off notice for my electric bill. So I again applied for assistance through the Department of Health and Human Services. When I called Consumers Energy, they said I should re-apply for assistance because last time I applied was before the critical time period which started October 1.  She said there might actually be funding available now.  So, I reapplied.  I just want something to come up for me.  A rich man to help me out would be good too. 😉 lol

So yesterday, like I said, I visited my happy place which is the beach at Grand Haven, MI. It was a windy day and the temperature was in the 50s. This time of year, there’s no problem finding a place to park.  I parked and then I pushed my seat all the way back and took my seatbelt off. I brought my lunch with me so I ate that while I watched the waves and the very few people that were there.  After I ate, I did what I like to do best when I am there. I turned down the radio and leaned my seat back. And I just relaxed and listened to the waves. I ended up falling asleep and napping for a bit.  It is just so peaceful and enjoyable. I absolutely love it. You know I sleep soundly if I actually have a dream.  I slept for little bit.  And I get no interruptions because I don’t get good service out there so I basically am unplugged from the rest of the world. It’s pretty wonderful.

Here are a few pictures I took. I did take a brief walk outside by the water. It really was quite windy.

Aren’t the waves just beautiful? I guess some might say it looks angry, and maybe so. But I just think it’s beautiful. I love God’s work. I love nature. And I hope to be able to get out and enjoy more nature before the snow flies. I’ve heard that north of here has been getting some snow already. I say keep it up there! I’m just not ready for it.  I will become a hermit then. Ugh!

Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

P.S. If you’re the praying type, please pray that I find a job soon. If you don’t pray, send me some positive vibes.

 

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Embracing Autumn

Posted on October 14, 2018 by DorothyMarie

I was not sure what I wanted to write about this evening and then I decided that it would be a good idea to share my walk I went on today.  Yes, I actually went for a walk today. About time I got some activity in.  I even made a couple dollars on my Sweatcoin app.  Have you heard of that app yet?  It pays you to walk outside. Well, it pays in the form of gift cards and other offers. I’m waiting for it to offer cash through PayPal. It’s on their list of to-do’s. So hopefully, it’ll happen in the near future. Anyway, I did about 3,300 steps and earned $2.78. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but every little bit adds up.  I haven’t really walked much at all yet since loading this app and I’m up to $38 now. I’m not complaining.  I know a friend of mine who is well over $200.  If you’re interested, check it out sweatcoin.

Okay, so after church I decided to take a little drive north and stopped at two little parks to take in the fall colors.  One was a roadside park on M-82 in Newaygo County.  The other was Riverfront Park also in Newaygo.  This park is on the Muskegon River.  This is where I took my walk along the river.  There was a nice path that you could walk along.  The weather was perfect. I didn’t need a jacket. It was probably in the 50’s and the sun was out.  Here are some pictures from the day.  I’ve even included a couple of pictures of myself.  With how many selfies I take, one would think I was vain or something but I really am not.

I really enjoyed my time out in the fresh air enjoying the sights and sounds of nature.  But I will admit, it would’ve been more enjoyable with a special someone holding my hand.  This lonely thing is getting tougher and tougher to handle at times.  I’ll be honest.  I know it hasn’t even been a year since my divorce.  I’m crazy right? Don’t answer that! I need to get out and enjoy the weather more if there are days like today.  I need to enjoy them while they’re here before the snow flies. Ugh! I’m NOT looking forward to snow! My friends in Minnesota have had some snow. And I know friends in the U.P. are getting a dusting tonight as well.  You all can keep it there please! I’m not ready for snow!

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

 

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Unfinished Business

Posted on October 13, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

Before I get into my topic of today, I want to fill you in on the interview I had today.  I was quite nervous going into the interview. You have to remember that I worked for one company for 28.5 years so I really do not have a lot of interview experience.  But I went int with a smile on my face and as confident as I could be. I’m far from arrogant so no worries there.  The interview was with two attorneys. I didn’t feel as overwhelmed as I thought I might. They were both very nice guys. The position they are looking to fill is for a full time legal secretary. The woman who is in the position now is retiring the end of November.  She has been there a long time so it’ll be some pretty tough shoes to fill.  The interview lasted approximately 35-40 minutes.  I think it went okay considering my lack of experience.  They plan to do more interviews through next week so I won’t know anything until later.  I know this is all in God’s hands and its his timing, but I just keep praying that a door opens soon! I really need to get some bills paid.  I have no money right now so I’m in trouble financially.  I’m trying not to be negative, just realistic.

Okay, my topic for today, unfinished business. I was thinking about my dad’s passing. I believe I may have discussed our relationship before and that we really didn’t get along all that well for the longest time. I had zero respect for him when I was younger. I hated living there at a child. Back then I questioned whether I even loved him. I was so incredibly relieved when I got to move in with my mother. Nobody forced me to go visit him after that either so I didn’t.  After moving in with my mom, I hardly ever saw him. It was lucky if I saw him once a year and that was generally around Christmas. I wasn’t lying when I said I had zero respect.  I hated his alcohol and drug addiction. I hated how he teased all the time. I hated his personality. I hated so many of the choices he made. I was always afraid of my dad. So when I lived with him, I was a goodie two shoes. I never did anything that might get me in trouble because I didn’t want to face the wrath of my father. I hated living in this fear.  I remember watching episodes of Little House on the Prairie, wishing I had a dad like Laura Ingalls did.  Why couldn’t my dad put his kids first? In my eyes, my dad failed in the department of earthly father.

I grew up and time passed and I continued to harbor these thoughts towards my dad. I rarely visited him even after I had kids of my own. I never allowed my kids to spend the night with them because I didn’t want them to be exposed to his alcohol or drug abuse.  My dad slowly started to clean himself up and he turned out to be a better grandfather than he ever was a father. I still didn’t visit very often, but I started to come around a little more. As I approached my 40s, the idea of death approached my mind. I began to realize that my parents weren’t going to be around for ever. I decided that I needed to try to mend things between my dad and I.  I slowly started to visit a little more. Our relationship improved, but I was still afraid of him and couldn’t bring myself to ask him questions that I had.  One question I had was “is he a believer?”  That’s one I really wanted to know before he passed away. I wanted to know that he was going to heaven. But I never had the courage to ask and he never talked about religion.  There were other questions I had as well, like his thoughts on the divorce with my mom. It would have been nice to know his actual thoughts.  I would like to have asked him why he didn’t want to help put grandpa’s ashes in the ground at the cemetery when he passed away. My dad just stood back.  I would like to know why he didn’t want to tell us about him having cancer until it was a month before he died.  Questions about the DeYoung family line.  So many questions I had but was too afraid to ask.  And now, I can’t ask because he has passed away.  So, here I sit with unfinished business.  It’s so sad.  Please, do me a favor. If you have questions for your loved ones – ask! Now before it’s too late! Tomorrow is not promised! Trust me, you don’t want to be sitting where I am, wishing you would’ve taken the time to ask. Stepped over that fear and asked.

Got questions? Ask!!! Do it! Now!

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness!

❤ Dottie

 

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Job Interview!!

Posted on October 12, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

Yes! I’ve got some good news! I have finally landed a job interview.  It is tomorrow at 3 p.m. It is with a law office in Grand Rapids.  It’s for a full time legal secretary position.  And, they say you do not need any legal experience; they are willing to train. They just want someone that is a Christian and has office experience. I am both of those things. I’m so excited but also nervous too! I may be interviewing with three attorneys at once! And, to be honest, I don’t have a whole lot of interview experience because I worked at Meijer for so darn long (28 years).

Speaking of Meijer.  This month marks one year since I was let go from there.  The 3rd of the month, was the one year mark of being told I no longer had a job. The 31st is the one year mark from my final day with the company.  I can’t believe it’s been a year already. Time flies. And I can’t believe I sit here unemployed again.  I am sad that I was unemployed for so long after Meijer. I blew through my 401K! That is what saddens me most I think.  I wish I still had some of that money to fall back on.

I had my therapy appointment today.  It was a little emotional. I talked about it being the one year mark since losing my job at Meijer. But that wasn’t the real emotional part. The really hard part was talking about the upcoming holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas.  These will be the first as a single woman/mom.  The idea is just gut wrenching to me.  Granted, I do not want to be with him, but I also don’t like the idea of possibly being alone on those days either.  My girls are pretty much daddy’s girls so it wouldn’t surprise me if they spend the day with him.  I don’t know.  I told her that if it turns out that I’m alone on that day, I’ll turn to my single online friends and see if they’re available to chat.  And I’ll hop on Facebook too probably.  I’ll spend the day on my laptop probably.  That’s my guess.  But who knows?  I haven’t asked the girls yet what their plan was. Guess I’ll have to do that soon.

I went to Lake Michigan (Grand Haven beach) to do some reading today. I love going there as it helps reduce my anxiety and helps with my depression as well.  Here are a couple pictures I took. It was quite windy and cold! Hence, the size of the waves.

Well, that’s pretty much all I got.  My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected by Hurricane Michael.  The devastation is just awful.  God bless you all.

Wherever you are in this world of ours, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

 

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21 Questions

Posted on October 10, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

Well, you may think I’m desperate for material considering what I’m posting today.  I did this tag video on my YouTube channel today responding to 21 questions. I thought I would do the same thing here on my blog.  Respond to 21 random questions about me.

  1. What is your middle name?  Marie – I share the same middle name with my mother and great-grandmother.
  2. What was your favorite subject in high school?  My favorite subject was Algebra. I’m not sure why I had a fascination with finding the value of x and y?
  3. Favorite drink? If we’re talking alcoholic beverage, then my favorite is the Margarita.
  4. Favorite color? Yellow – the color of sunshine!
  5. Favorite animal? One might think it’s the dog because I have four of them, but no it’s actually the Lion. I believe the lion to be my spirit animal.
  6. Have you ever traveled outside the country? Yes, if you count Canada.  I’ve never flown anywhere though.
  7. What is your favorite perfume? I don’t wear perfume, but I do wear body spray. My favorites are Bath & Body Works Beautiful Day and Midnight Pomegranate.
  8. What is your biggest fear?  Losing one of my kids. I also fear snakes and bats!
  9. What is your favorite food?  Before surgery, it was pizza and lasagna. Cheesecake was my favorite dessert.  But after surgery, I don’t have a favorite anymore.
  10. DO you have any hobbies?  Yes, reading is my current favorite. I also enjoy photography and bird watching.
  11. Favorite candle scent? Pumpkin spice, apple cinnamon, lilac
  12. Are you a good cook? Not really. I don’t enjoy cooking so much.
  13. What is your dream job? I’m going to school for Psychology. Right now, I’d like to work in the field of corrections using my psychology degree when I get it.
  14. Do you have a garden? No I do not.
  15. Do you have a tattoo? Yes, I have one.  Got my first and only tattoo just this year in February after my now ex-husband told me he wanted out of the marriage.
  16. What’s your most embarrassing moment?  When I was younger, my dad, step mom, brother and I were walking over to my aunt’s house. I wasn’t paying attention because I was too busy talking to my dad and whack!! right into a street sign! It hurt so bad, but was also embarrassing! I was laughing and crying both!
  17. What is your favorite of these three:  Harry Potter – Hunger Games – Twilight Series?  My favorite is the Twilight series, followed by Harry Potter.
  18. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? This is a tough one.  I’d say Julia Stiles, Sandra Bullock or Jillian Michaels.
  19. What’s your favorite flavor of tea? My favorite is peach ice tea.
  20. What kind of car do you drive? I drive a 2013 Ford C-Max. It’s a hybrid.
  21. First concert you attended? My first concert was when I was in high school and it was the rock group Ratt.

Now you know a few more little things about me.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those in the path of Hurricane Michael.  I hope you have evacuated if you were instructed to do so. If you’re toughing it out at home, I hope you have extra water and food supplies.  God bless you all.

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

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GriefShare

Posted on October 10, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

Every Tuesday evening, I attend a GriefShare support group.  This group is held at my church. This session I am attending right now is my fourth session.  It’s a 13 week program that is designed to help through the grief process after losing a loved one.  When I initially started going, I had recently lost my dad and a very dear friend who was more like a sister.  I was still married at that point as well.  We typically bring snacks or food of some sort and that is how the weekly meeting begins. We eat and enjoy each other’s company and conversation.  Then a video covering the week’s topic is shown. After that, we discuss the video and talk about our own feelings as they relate to the video. We then close in prayer.  I really enjoy the group and the fellowship as well.  The 13 topics that are covered are:

  1. Is This Normal?
  2. Challenges of Grief
  3. The Journey of Grief – Part One
  4. The Journey of Grief – Part Two
  5. Grief and Your Relationships
  6. Why?
  7. Guilt and Anger
  8. Complicating Factors
  9. Stuck
  10. Lessons of Grief – Part One
  11. Lessons of Grief – Part Two
  12. Heaven
  13. What Do I Live for Now?

There is a workbook that goes along with the sessions as well. It is titled GriefShare: Your Journey from Mourning to Joy.

This week is week five four us so it covered grief and relationships.  It mentioned how sometimes, friendships can be lost after you lose a loved one. This is because sometimes that friend just isn’t sure how to respond to the loss. They just don’t know what to say and are uncomfortable and so they back off.

My losses this time around are not due to death.  This time it’s mostly job loss and loss of marriage.  But they are losses nonetheless.  To be honest, at times I feel my marriage loss due to divorce seems more difficult than had I lost it due to death of my spouse.  I don’t know maybe not?

Although, a divorce, when it’s not what you wanted affects your self-esteem in negative ways. I’m only just now seeing that the divorce was probably actually a good thing.  I’m seeing the errors of his ways and that I am better off without him and deserve much better.  Just because he was the one that wanted out doesn’t mean I did something wrong or that there is something wrong with me. I’m still a very loving and caring person. I can be a very loving wife to someone else who is more deserving some day. I just don’t know when that’ll be. It’s not for me to decide I guess. Only God knows.  But I will admit that being so lonely is no fun! There are many times when I wish I had that loved one next to me to cuddle with.  I just have to be patient.  Some day my prince will come.

I encourage you to try GriefShare if you need a support group for grief.  They do have a website and a facebook site as well.

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

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I’m Blessed

Posted on October 7, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

I want to tell you about a little thing that happened today.  I went to church as I normally do every Sunday.  But today after church, I got into my car and I noticed an envelope in my purse with my name on it.  Someone had slipped it into my purse without me even —noticing!  So I took it out and opened the envelope.  Here’s what the letter inside said:

Dorothy, (that’s my actual name by the way lol)

A year ago, an unknown gentleman paid for our lunch at a fast food restaurant, and I have been waiting for a God nudge to “pay it forward”. God says it’s time and you can use this with affection.

-Another unknown friend.

P.S. Someday you can maybe “pay it forward” too.

Inside with the letter was $20.  I sat there in my car and cried.  I couldn’t control the tears.  I felt so incredibly blessed.  And I have no idea who to thank. But I did thank God for this mystery friend.  I can definitely use this money for gas in the car or to buy lunch.

After I stopped crying, I called my grandma’s house to see if I could visit because I knew that she and my uncle would be returning to Florida soon.  My uncle answered and said they weren’t doing anything so that’s what I did next.

Grandma was so bummed to hear that I had lost my job.  I didn’t ask, but she proceeded to write me a check for $100.  I couldn’t believe it.

Two incredible blessings in one day.  I’m going to miss my grandma and uncle so much when they go back to Florida.  They’re leaving on the 28th of this month.  I’m going to go visit at least one more time before they leave.

Today, grandma made chili and my uncle and I watched football – the Lions beat the Green Bay Packers!  My uncle was so happy about the turnout of that game.

I had a nice day.  I hope you did too.

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

 

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Feeling Lonely

Posted on October 6, 2018 by DorothyMarie

Hello Friends!

Leave it to me to follow up my post of yesterday talking about feeling strong after my divorce with a post of feeling lonely. Let’s all just take a moment to laugh out loud! Today has been a long and quiet day at home. I’m not going to really complain about that. I got quite a bit of school work done so that’s good.

I browsed Facebook and noticed that today is my niece and nephews one year wedding anniversary. I can’t even believe one year has gone by already.  I posted a happy anniversary wish and in my wish I commented that I couldn’t wait until I found a love like theirs.  They are so happy.

I noted some memories that Facebook always throws at you.  Sometimes these are very difficult to look at and quite frankly some of them I absolutely hate!  I know hate is a strong word, but truly some of the memories Facebook throws at me are so hard to look at.  My marriage is over and done, why throws that stuff at me and re-open those wounds? I know Facebook doesn’t know, it’s entirely innocent, but still.  I don’t like to see them.

Seeing my niece and nephew so happy and I also see another couple a lot that posts pictures and it just makes me feel so lonely.  I know I was only divorced this year and I shouldn’t push things. But I will admit that I wouldn’t mind having someone to cuddle with at night.  Someone to kiss and hug, someone to tell me things are going to be okay. I really miss hugs.

I know all of this is out of my control and it’s in Gods hands and in his timing. I have to be patient.  I just feel as though the proverbial door has been slammed shut for a while now.  A door needs to open soon!  A new job, a new love…both! A new life! How about that? Hmmm…they say change is good.

So here I am… knock, knock, knock!  Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I should stop knocking. Maybe I’ll just stand here and patiently wait for God to open the door.

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

 

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I Thought My Life Was Over…

Posted on October 5, 2018 by DorothyMarie

I know that I’ve discussed this before, but I thought that I would talk about it again.  That is my divorce.  The reason is because I really want people to know that despite how awful it feels at first, life does go on.  I’m proof.  The thing is, I should’ve seen something wasn’t right a long time ago, but I was too afraid.  I didn’t want to be a single mom and I believed so strongly in my vows of marriage.  I had great grandparents that were married until death did they part and that was 70+ years.  That’s what I wanted for my life.  So, in 2005, when my now ex first strayed from the marriage I was devastated and completely heartbroken.  He did move out for a while and in with the young woman he had an affair with.  The young woman was a mutual friend we both knew and I was so hurt.  I remember when he told me. It was the month of September and I’m pretty sure it was the 18th.  I cried and I ran next door to the neighbor’s house. That’s when we were still getting along.

The girls were young and in middle school, ages 10 and 12.  I was 34. Gosh it seems like a lifetime ago.  Crazy! Anyway, the girls stayed with me, but on weekends he would come get them and let me just say that it absolutely killed me!  I hated that he took them knowing they would be going to her house.  I sat and cried and cried and cried some more. I cried out to Jesus.  My faith wasn’t quite as strong then as it is now. And, I was nowhere near as strong then as I am now.

At the same time all that was going on, my mom’s health was failing so I couldn’t run to her for help. She was in and out of hospitals and nursing homes.  And it was during this time that I really came to know that there is a God and that he hears and answers our prayers.  I specifically remember sitting on the couch in tears praying to God, please don’t take both of my loved ones from me! There was no way I could handle losing both my mother and my husband at the same time!

Time went on and I tried to be strong. We had Sophie and Zoey at the time (2 dogs). Zoey was my baby. She was a Jack Russel Terrier. I had just gotten her that summer.  She was young yet.  She got me through a lot though. Licked a lot of tears and cuddled with me.  God certainly brought her to me at the right time.  When the girls weren’t around, at least I had my Zoey girl.  It got to be early November and my husband came around and wanted to apologize.  I’m a big person and I accepted his apology.  Now, there are a lot of people that wouldn’t take a cheater back. They truly believe, once a cheater – always a cheater.  Now that I sit here divorced, I’m certainly starting to wonder.

I worked really hard to trust him again. Notice, I said “I” worked hard.  It’s true. I’m the only one who put any time into putting the relationship back together.  I was the one who went to counseling and did all the work.  Not him.  He didn’t like people trying to bend his mind.  This should have been a signal to me way back then.  If he wasn’t willing to work on the relationship….hmmm…hello???

The relationship got stronger due to the work I put into it.  Only to get to summer of 2017 and have him lose interest again.  Then in January of 2018, he said he wanted out.  Many that I’ve talked to are convinced he had a girlfriend.  Who knows.  Maybe he did.  That would make that statement true then…once a cheater, always a cheater.  I thought I had a pretty damn big heart for forgiving and trying to make things work though.  I can’t imagine what things would’ve been like had we had gotten divorced way back in 2005/06.

My brother believes he was holding me back.  Perhaps he was.  I’m going to school now and am working to better myself.  I was baptized and I became a member of my church.  Sure, right now I’m unemployed, but I’m praying to God that he opens a door very soon for me and I’ll have a job and get caught up on these darn bills.  This can not go on much longer because seriously, what will I do?  I don’t want to lose my house or car or anything else. I don’t want my utilities turned off.  Please dear God…open that door!! The other door has been shut and slammed for some time now.

Despite the fact that I’m unemployed and in a rough spot, please know that the divorce did not kill me.  I did not choose to kill myself.  I survived.  You can too.  I also got my first tattoo after my divorce.  The picture is below.  It means a lot to me.  I was nervous at first because I didn’t know if it was going to be painful.  It was not though.  Now, I would like to get more.  I’m a survivor! More than that, I will thrive!

Tattoo

So, much of my tattoo may be self-explanatory.  The word strength reminds me that I am strong. and the first t in the word is a cross reminding me of my faith. The semi-colon is to signify that my life didn’t end; that it went on just like the sentence. Then, the butterfly signifies a rebirth of sorts. It might be hard to tell, but the butterfly is colored purple and yellow.  Yellow is my favorite color and purple was the favorite color of my little cousin Nicole who passed away a couple years ago. She was 7 and had Cerebral Palsy.  So the butterfly is also in memory of her.

I’d like another tattoo some day when I can afford it.  I’m not sure if I’d like a lion because I feel like it’s my spirit animal. Or, if I want to go with something in memory of my mom.  She loved angels and owls so I was thinking an owl with angel wings or something like that.  I was also thinking a hummingbird because my grandma and I shared a love for them.  I’m pretty undecided at the moment.  Tattoos are pretty expensive though so I’ve got plenty of time to think about it.  My bills will all come first once I have a job.

Wherever you are in this beautiful world, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

❤ Dottie

Posted in Anxiety/Depression, divorce, Emotion, life, Wellness | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments