Inspiration – Addiction

Posted on September 18, 2013 by DorothyMarie

Hello!

How are you?  Today is Wednesday and as is typical with every other work day, I struggled to get up this morning.  I really really really didn’t want to go to work. Ever have those days?  I’m not saying that going to work is easy any day, but today was just one of those days where I’d have rather played hookie.  But I didn’t. Darn that work ethic!

I read an article and watched a video recently about emotional eating and the addiction and how tough it can be to change.  So tough in fact that if you’ve dealt with it for 20 years, it could take as long to fix it.  Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?  I honestly nearly cried as I thought about it.  I’ve had and still have issues with emotional eating and addiction.  I will agree with this article that it is not easy and that you have to work on the brain before the food and exercise.  I’ve been trying to do that.  A link to the article is below by the way. 

http://www.wzzm13.com/news/article/243012/14/Tough-to-change-emotional-eating-addiction

In recent days I’ve also been thinking about inspiration.  What is it that inspires me to keep up with my effort to lose the weight and get healthy?  That got me thinking about my mother.  She passed away in February of 2006.  I can’t remember exactly what the death certificate says but her issues were all related to morbid obesity.  Watching her basically give up on herself was not easy.  Going into her house that wreaked of urine because she couldn’t get herself up off her bed was a horrible experience.  Having my kids be witness to seeing her be taken in an ambulance was simply awful. It required several men to transport her to the gurney.  This is all just gut wrenching to me and makes me cry every time I think about it.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE A REPEAT OF MY MOM.  I loved my mom, but I don’t want to put my kids or husband through any of that.   It’s bad enough my kids had to see grandma go through so much.  I will do whatever is in my power to prevent them from having to see me go through anything similar.  I do not want my death certificate to say anything about dying because of morbid obesity.  I just don’t!

So I will work on this.  I know it’s hard work, but not impossible.

Step 1 – Tracking my food.  I’ve done over 10 days so far and will continue to. I’m dottiemay71 on MyFitnessPal.

Step 2 – Bring my lunch to work at least 4 of 5 days.  I have been doing this as well successfully for a few weeks.

Time to think of Step 3.  I’m taking baby steps and I’m giving some time for each step.  I’m not rushing into anything. I don’t want to overwhelm myself.  It’s happened before. Lesson learned.

Present weight 319.  My weigh-ins are Saturday.  I will be sharing my progress and my struggles.

Keep following because everyone needs cheerleaders.

Peace. Love. Smile. 

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Making Progress

Posted on September 12, 2013 by DorothyMarie

Hi there,

It’s been a week exactly, how about that? I thought it had been longer. 

Things have been going okay.  I got some meds for my frequent headaches so I haven’t had near as many and I’m grateful for that. The doctor said they are tension/muscle spasm headaches. I couldn’t argue with that. With how I’ve been feeling about my job lately, it makes total sense.  Have I mentioned that I was crying nearly everyday on the way to work?  Silly huh.  I haven’t been most recently though and perhaps that’s due to the headache relief.  Whatever it is, I’m glad.

I’ve been really trying hard to get back on track with losing weight.  Last week I decided that I was going to start taking my lunch at least 4 of 5 days a week and I’ve been following through.  At my weigh in on Saturday, I was 3 lbs down. Not complaining at all about that!  This week I’ve been continuing the same. I’m making small changes a little at a time so as not to get so crazy and overwhelmed.  Slow and steady wins the race right? The race in this case being weight loss success.  I’ve also been tracking my food on MyFitnessPal.  I’m not a big fan of tracking, but I’m sticking to it, at least for a while.  And, I just used the MFP suggested caloric value to start with. So my limit is 1780 cals.  That might seem like a lot to some, but I’m a big girl too. Most days though, I’ve been keeping it right around 1500 calories.  I’m slightly curious how this week’s weigh in will go.  I’m hoping for another loss.

Also…this Saturday I’m going to check out a food addiction support group at the place where I go to counseling. One of the clinicians runs it. She too deals with obesity. I guess they work from the book “3 Fat Chicks on a Diet”.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’ve been reading more too.  I’ve never been a big fan of reading, but have decided that it’d be a good way for me to transport myself into another world for a bit (so to speak).  Although, the book I’m reading now is not a time I would choose to live through. I’m reading the Diary of Anne Frank.  It’s really good so far. Although like I said not something I’d want to go through. Who would. I have a hard time imagining having to be hidden for so long, not being able to go outside or feel the fresh air. Makes me realize that even when I feel like things are rough for me…they certainly could be worse.

That’s it for now. Thanks for visiting or following along. I appreciate it.

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Getting Back on Track

Posted on September 5, 2013 by DorothyMarie

Hi everyone!

It’s been a while. Some days I think I have nothing special to write about and others I think I do, but then don’t get to it. I need to consider being consistent.

I’ve been dealing with depression for some time and this latest bout has contributed to some weight gain…a good 50 lbs at least. At my last weigh in I was up to 320 lbs again. I was upset with myself. So I’ve decided that its time to focus again on my weight loss and get back on track. I cannot let the depression control me any longer or use it as an excuse for not trying. I’m stronger than that. And, I DON’T WANNA BE FAT FOR LIFE! I’ve not done anything to deserve that kind of life sentence. So my journey begins again. I’m taking little steps.

I’ve started with taking my lunch to work instead of eating out. I think that’s a good first step. I’m also tracking my food using MyFitnessPal. I gotta be honest, I HATE food tracking, but I’m going to make every effort to stick to it. If interested, feel free to look me up on there. I’m dottiemay71.

I will work exercise back in as well. I’m considering rejoining the gym for the winter months since it gets dark so early.

I’ve decided to start school again in January. Right now planning on health and wellness. I’m looking forward to it because frankly my present job just isn’t doing it for me. I’m quite miserable much of the time. I’ve tried adjusting my attitude but have been unsuccessful. There are several things contributing to my feelings on this.

Time to eat lunch now.

Peace. Love. Smile.

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Depression Hurts

Posted on August 15, 2013 by DorothyMarie

This week has been one of the roughest in a while.  I have been battling my own depression and anxiety for some time.  This season in life isn’t helping in that area much.  I seem to cry all the time. I’ve always been quite sensitive and emotional, but I swear it’s ten fold now. It gets bothersome at times.  I have been crying every morning on my drive to work for over a month now.  The reason for the tears vary.  Sometimes it’s just work itself, other times I might hear a song that triggers a memory, other times I get to thinking about how fast my kids have grown and then there’s the times that I might worry about what’s next.  I swear my mind is non stop at times.  

But this past Monday…we were hit with a curve ball that I found very difficult.  My youngest daughter is 18. She had spent the previous week at a friend’s house.  Monday she informed us that she doesn’t like it at home and doesn’t feel loved or wanted.  She liked being other places because they showed concern. She didn’t like that we yell a lot (which I don’t), didn’t like that we are nagging her to get a job (that we have), etc.  The part that got me the most was that she didn’t feel loved. How is that possible I wondered?  I love my kids SO much. It really is indescribable the amount of love a parent has for their child.  I cried.  And cried… and cried more.  I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her so much.  My husband was able to talk with her and for now we will make the basement into a space for her.  She had thought she was going to live on campus for college somewhere, but that didn’t work out this year. She will instead be going to a community college.  Hearing your child say they’re unhappy with you or they don’t love you has to be one of the most difficult things to hear.  Notice I said one of the most difficult.  I know there are other situations that would be even harder to grasp.  Many times…that’s how I get through tough situations.  I think to myself.. “it could be worse”. I then pray.  

I have been going to counseling for a while now hoping to stop the cycle of family depression.  My grandmother had it, my mom, me…I was so hoping and trying to stop the cycle and prevent my kids from having to deal with it.  However, it didn’t work.  My youngest deals with depression as well.  She said that it is the depression that makes her feel the way she does.  She did tell us she loves us very much. Thank God.  I feel horrible that she is dealing with this pain as well. 

What the commercial say is true.  Depression hurts..not only the one dealing with it, but those around that person as well.  

I need to work on some things.  

1. Stop dwelling on past events… let it go and leave it in the past. It can’t be changed.

2. Live and appreciate the current moment.

3. Stop worrying about the future. Take it one day at a time. 

4. My weight and wellness.  I haven’t done well with this.  It seems whenever I get hit with a bout of sadness or depression, I stop exercising because I don’t “feel” like it.  Even though, I know in my mind that the exercise would actually help.  I have to do better with this.  My mom passed away in her 50’s due to morbid obesity.  I do not want my death certificate to say anything regarding obesity.  Of course I don’t want to think about death either, so I’ll just stop.

This past Saturday when I weighed in, I was up two pounds.  313.6  Of course it was that time of month, but still.  That’s not the direction I want the scale going in.  This week’s weigh in probably won’t be much better because this week has been a fail as far as exercise.

That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading.  

Peace. Love. Smile

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Getting Over Past Hurts

Posted on August 6, 2013 by DorothyMarie

“Let it go”, “It’s in the past”, “what’s done is done”, “Move on”. 

Much of this is so much easier said than done.  I’ve been through a lot of hurts in life so far and I’ll be honest, I’ve done well getting through them.  Honestly, I try not to live in the past or dwell on things and if said hurt is out of sight, then it’s generally out of mind.  I’ve been struggling with a particular hurt though.  Quite frankly, I hate that I’ve let it get to me so much.  I’m better than that.  And, just because a handful of people have chosen to terminate a friendship shouldn’t matter so much.  I’ve worked hard to get past it, but I’ll be honest…when the source of the hurt is in constant view – it’s difficult to get past.  Sometimes I wish we could pick up our house and move.

Aside from the constant reminder…why is it so tough?  Perhaps it’s the hurtful words that were spoken. Perhaps it’s because to this day I’m still unsure as to what exactly happened to cause it. I’ve been living the last few years with the assumption that it’s something I did. But perhaps…it’s not anything I did. Or perhaps it is. Perhaps the one time I decide to open my mouth and speak the true feelings on my mind is what did it.  Truth hurts is what they say right?  I’m not perfect. Never claim to be and I certainly don’t think it’s all about me or the world revolves around me or that it owes me.  Not at all. 

Sure, I suffer depression and at times I whine. Perhaps that gets misconstrued. 

Really, I tend to keep to myself and I’m not one for confrontation and I don’t like to make waves. I generally go with the flow.  More passive than aggressive. So when I was told that I always make everything about me and that I’m a B*tch.  It hurt. And when these “friends” started unfriending and their friends started unfriending me, I felt like I was in middle school again or something.  Acts of immaturity. 

I really have tried to get beyond it.  But, I won’t lie.  It hurt…A LOT!  And it’s really affected my friending skills.  I’m afraid to get too close to anyone because I really don’t want to live through that hurt again. 

I will survive and thrive.  But it’ll take time…time heals all wounds right? 

Thanks for being here my little blog friend.

Peace. Love. Smile

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Walk Complete

Posted on August 4, 2013 by DorothyMarie

Boy do I have a lot of work ahead of me. I did go for a walk this evening. I went 2.2 miles. I’m pretty proud of that. It took me 55 minutes. That’s pretty slow, but I will get there. I have two months to improve my game.

I CAN DO THIS!!

Peace. Love. Smile

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Weigh In 1

Posted on August 3, 2013 by DorothyMarie

Today I weighed in at 311.6. That is 1.2 lbs down from my last weigh in. A loss is a loss so I will take it. This is one type of loss I can handle.

Today so far I’ve gone to two cemeteries to take some photos. I volunteered to do that. I thought it would be kinda fun. Actually, it’s not easy when you have no idea where in the cemetery the person is buried. It involves walking around to look so I figure it’s good exercise for me. Today I had three in one cemetery to take and one in another. I found the three ok…it took about an hour of searching. The other one I didn’t find so I will go back another time.

I’m going to do a little cleaning around the house and then go for a walk later. I’ve signed up for the Walk from Obesity 5K on Sept. 28. I need to get my walk on and work up to it again. Last year I could do a 5K okay…this year not so much. I could probably finish but would feel like I was dying. So I will be back later to report how far I walked.

Peace.

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Weight! Did I Do That?

Posted on August 2, 2013 by DorothyMarie

This morning it dawned on me. In this blog I have openly shared my weight. I have another blog that I haven’t done anything with in a long time and I shared my weight there as well. I have also shared my weight in my YouTube videos. The difference is…those other things, I’ve never shared with anyone I knew in my real life/face to face. I figured it was okay to share my weight there because those people didn’t know me and for some reason I didn’t fear judgement from those I didn’t know.

So for me to step outside my shell and share not only this blog but my weight too is a very BIG step for me. So why am I sharing? Well, I’ve decided that I cannot be afraid to be me. And why should I only share with strangers when perhaps there are those in my real world that could cheer me on as well. Why was I so afraid of sharing with those I know anyway? One word…fear.

I’m really not sure what has led me to have so much fear. I’ve been through a lot of hurt and perhaps that’s part of it…perhaps I feared being hurt somehow.

Weigh in is tomorrow and no I don’t look forward to it. I hate the scale. I know it’s just a number and it doesn’t define me, but for some reason that stupid number has had some kind of control over me more than once. I only weigh in because its required to maintain my health insurance incentive.

I will be back tomorrow to share what my weight is. Yikes!

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A Quote

Posted on August 1, 2013 by DorothyMarie

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning; but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

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