Hello Friends…How are you? I’m doing pretty good. Well actually I’m feeling a little bit of anxiety thinking about tomorrow. I have an appointment with a new doctor and I also have therapy. But that’s not what this post is about.

In therapy last week I discussed a lot. I’m having a lot of revelations. I’m starting to remember some of the good times when I was a kid. I’m relating to my dad more and more although he’s deceased. I have always envied daddy/daughter relationships and they made me very emotional. My dad made some bad decisions. But we all do. I remember being quite young and never being able to have friends come over to the house. I was always quiet and reserved. I wasn’t like the other kids and I’m learning that that’s okay and even good. I remember being afraid of my dad. I remember wanting to please him so he would show me how proud he was of me. I never liked myself. I thought I was fat, ugly, unworthy. My dad was toxic. The drugs and alcohol made him stupid; but it was his way of coping with all the challenges they had like divorcing. Boy, I feel like I’m struggling with this more than I anticipated. A little letter to my dad:

Dear Dad:

I’m going through a lot dad. What I have is what I believe you had. PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know losing your father at a very young age like you did had to be very challenging. I know that getting in that bad accident that killed your friend from school had to be so impossible to recover from. I don’t think you did recover. I think you buried it and chose to deal with the overwhelming emotions with drugs and alcohol. It doesn’t excuse you for treating me the way you did, but I can relate now. I have so many unanswered questions. I’m just going to type them out here.

1. Why did you tease me all the time and call me names?
2. Why did you think it was okay to bully your own daughter?
3. Did you hate my mom?
4. Did you hate me?
5. Did you believe in God? Were you mad at God?
6. Did you actually love your second wife Patricia? Why were you violent?
7. Did kids tease you when you were a kid?
8. Were you popular in school or a stoner?
9. Do you have any regrets?

Dad, I think we could’ve been best friends. I think I’m a lot like you in many ways. We both love animals and nature. I’m so outdoorsy and absolutely love watching squirrels and other wildlife. I enjoy fishing. Just the other day I rescued a turtle from the road as well as a baby turkey. It was a moment that just truly made me happy. I’m 50 years old and I finally am not letting others judgements bother me so much. I’m living and finding joy in life. I pray to have many more years ahead of me to see my grandkids grow.

Oh, by the way, I do like black men. I think they’re sexy. Somehow you called it all those years ago. I’m not racist. Had I had any courage and self-confidence all those years ago, things would’ve been so different.

I forgive you dad. I love you. Please continue to watch over me because I know you are.

Thanks for reading friends.

Peace ~ Love ~ Happiness